


Pain But No More Loneliness

by MorganasCrow



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Asexual Character, F/F, F/M, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-07
Updated: 2019-06-07
Packaged: 2020-04-12 09:21:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19129144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MorganasCrow/pseuds/MorganasCrow
Summary: After terrible experience Morgana learns how to trust someone again.





	Pain But No More Loneliness

**Author's Note:**

> I deleted this a long time ago and now I'm ready to re-upload.

Morgana felt tired... as well as drunk. Sorry guys, but the party's over. At least for me. Gotta go. See ya tomorrow. Gwaine slowly rose to his feet, but Morgana refused his company. First he was drunk as fuck, second, she didn't wish to listen to his pseudo-hot talks. I'll go on my own, thanks. Gwaine fell back towards Perceval's armful.  
The fresh air made her feel dizzy for a moment. Morgana leaned against the wall and waited for a few seconds. Damn, I didn't drink so much... or did I? Okay, just a few more seconds. Fine, let's go. C'mon, Morgana, you're drunk as hell. Let's go home.  
Morgana took a few wobbly steps down the road. Then the inferno became true. Morgana didn't know what was going on. It happened so quickly... She hit the wall. She started falling, but the rough hand caught her and hit her against the wall again. She felt the cold stone upon her forehead and a strong hand on her backbone. Smell of alcohol all around. Trying to turn towards John Doe she got slapped. The night freezing wind captured her thighs. Hot, smelly breath on her neck. "Nice hair, gal.", she heard like from somewhere far away. When the spear pierced her underbelly, she writhed and got slapped again. This time her head hit the wall so hard she spotted sparkling stars. She felt kinda unconscious, realizing only the stake ramming her again and again. Why didn't I let Gwaine go with me? she thought bitterly. "Don't worry, I won't leave you here with a bastard", she heard and the pang moved a bit backwards. But she was... had been still a virgin!  
She felt the hot liquid filling her butt. Morgana's tears started to burst. John Doe dropped her down to the ground. "Good job! Here you are," said he, throwing her few coins. You just made me a hooker, thought Morgana bitterly. She couldn't go on. She just sat there cryin'.  
She didn't know how did she get home. Mom and dad didn't care. She wasn't angry. She just wanted to wash it away. Wash away the shame... the degradation. She just sat down under the running shower and cried. The crimson shame was in her... coursing through her veins... running in her blood... She quickly searched dad's stuff. Bullseye. She carefully grabbed a razorblade. When she caressed her wrist for the first time, she was surprised. She didn't know, whether it doesn't hurt, or whether she just doesn't realize the pain because of shame. But it helped. The shame was dripping down her fingers and dissolved in the water. She could wash it away. She just needed more. The other hand. Slit the wrist to be free. The cuts were quite deep. Especially if you realize it was her first time. But it helped. The dirt was flowing out. The shame was gone... for a while.

On Monday she realized how bad things can go. It was like if she had some mark. Everyone was watching her with contempt. No. Morgana took a hood and hid her face from that poignant stares. She walked down the corridor and she thought of one thing only. If they find out, I will be bullied. She decided no one will ever find out. Not from her. As she passed the corner, she met Gwaine kissing Perceval in front of the gym. He turned towards her. "Hey, Morg. How're you doin'?" "Fine," replied Morgana hastily. "Are you alright? You seem kinda... scared?" Don't regret, thought Morgana. "No... no, it's fine. I'm just... quite tired." "Well then... if you need anything, come to me," offered Gwaine. "Sure I will. Thanks." Gwaine turned back to Perceval, slowly riding his hand down his crotch and pushing him to the empty gym.  
Morgana hurried to the classroom. But she didn't endure very long. She just ran straight towards the restroom. She was so sick. But kneeling by the toilet recalled the nightmares. It was like if she experienced it again. Smell. Roughing. Pang. Blood. Being left for dead in the ally. Crawling back home. Shame. Omnipresent shame. Nothing but her shame. They all knew. And now, when you don't see them, they mock. Morgana threw up.  
Out on the corridor, she noticed Arthur forcing Merlin to the restroom. Merlin smiled, looking forward to being reigned by his king. Everyone around's okay. They all are happy and fine... and me? I am dirty. She couldn't stay in this place anymore. Morgana just hurried back home. Here I am... my dark place alone... here I am safe... me and my only friend. Morgana flushed another pink brook down the sewer.

What if I told someone? How 'bout the school shrink? No... never. The next day everyone would know. I don't need any bully. Not any more suffering.

Tuesday. Morgana was strolling down the hall. A pretty blonde came towards her. "You should be more careful," she whispered. Morgana didn't get it. Girl handed her a pair of wristbands. "Oh, shite!", whispered Morgana and covered her bandages. "Thanks. I..." "It's okay. Do you need someone to talk to?" Morgana shook her head: "I'm not ready yet." "Sure. You'd rather find something else than cuttin'. It won't help you long enough. You need to get physically drained." That afternoon Morgana went running to the park. But after ten minutes she felt anxious again. What if he's here? What if he's lurking in the bushes and he will strike again? Morgana ran back home quickly. In the shower, she slit her wrists again. But only three cuts this time.

On Wednesday Morgana woke up two hours earlier and went running to the city. The centre was a living organism even at night. No one dares to strike her there. She felt free. She was running, leaving her pain far behind. Seven miles to the city and seven back. Then a quick shower. Just two cuts... Morgause was right. Morgana got dressed and headed towards the school. This time she checked her wristbands. She expected Morgause and didn't feel so anxious anymore.

And she was right. Morgause was there, waiting just for her. Morgana felt glad, but a bit afraid. What if something goes wrong... again? Like it always did? Morgause spotted Morgana standing on the threshold. She understood. She rose from her chair and headed towards Morgana. "It's okay," she whispered while she reached her. "I am here with you. Nobody's gonna mock. I am here... with you... FOR you. Everything's gonna be alright. I promise." "Perhaps," uttered Morgana. She didn't believe in luck anymore. "Certainly. I'll take care of you." If you only knew, thought Morgana. But she didn't dare to tell Morgause... not yet. She has just spent the whole day by her side. And she felt secure.

In the afternoon Morgause offered Morgana to take her home. "You don't have to do this," opposed Morgana. "But I can. And I want. Because you're worth it." Morgana gave up. She took a ride home with Morgause. Oh, sweet Morgause... very gentle lady. Morgana was scared of the moment she will have to reveal the truth. What if Morgause expects something? What if I break her heart? Then I will stay abandoned. And Morgause seemed so reckless. It was hard. But it was time- they reached Morgana's door. Does Morgause expect a hug? A kiss? Or even something more? Morgana winced, shaking her head. "I'm sorry, I cannot. I'm ace..." She expected Morgause would start despising her... like everyone who knew. But Morgause just raised one eyebrow: "Aro?" Morgana shook her head. "Homoromantic." "So am I," stated Morgause silently, taking a step closer to Morgana, starting to caress her lips with her finger. "And I think I have fallen in love."


End file.
